I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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