I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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