I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
