it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
