I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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