my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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