the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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