I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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