I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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