I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
