I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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