i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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