Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
