I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
you had me at cake vodka
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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