3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
