i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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