I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
