She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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