Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
barbara walters just said penis...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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