just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
