New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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