I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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