Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
