goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
