he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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