I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
