I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
