How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
