Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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