WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
