my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
