Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
