shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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