Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
