We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
