i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
