Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
