just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
