Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
