Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
