wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
