drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
