i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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