this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
