On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
