My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
