she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
