You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
