it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
