I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
