Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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