I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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