i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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